Stopped one medication and my birth control (for health reasons) and suddenly have a ridiculous mess of emotions at the forefront of my mind at all times (mainly sadness, but hey) as well as the sex drive of a teenager. All complete with a crush on someone I am kind of seeing but not really because commitment is not in his vocabulary, being he got out of a divorce a bit ago and anyway I’m in absolutely no position to ask for or go after any kind of relationship. Just because it’s something part of me wants does not mean it’s something should have in my life by any means. I still don’t give myself enough care. I can’t be distracted by another person.
But here’s the thing. Even with it being a small thing, it’s still a distraction. A big one, because I am obsessive and also, since I have the emotions and sex drive of a teenager, am always and forever unsatusfied with what I can get. I put meaning where there is none. I get sad about everything, with the added bit regarding the loss of youth and nostalgia and growing older. It’s hard not to do that, especially when every one of your friends has been paired up for years, and you can’t maintain a relationship for more than a few years or even manage to date someone that doesn’t treat you like relative garbage or doesn’t just see you as a rebound…
But I digress.
Basically the whole point I am making is that I feel like a mess. I feel awful and a jumble of weird emotions and anxiety - most of the time - but I’m writing again. Somehow this flood of angsty teenage shit has started the process of breaking the wall down. I am relieved. I am excited about this. This one small part of all the shit. Another side of this is at times I feel like a person. That’s usually when I am around people, but it’s not that often, and just an aside.
Anyway.
There is part of me, though, that wants the nihilism back. That doesn’t want a libedo. That doesn’t want these emotions. Because it hurt a lot less then, and honestly, I am really fucking tired of being a mess. I don’t know which is better and it’s partially really messing with me.
I fall in love with everyone I meet. Somehow I have a voice again. But is it worth it? Is writing my therapy again, or is it not enough?
Why is this happening to me now, as I stumble closer and closer to 40?
It’s the hardest sometimes when you are doing well and are closest to some semblance of happiness than you have been for a long time - and then suddenly none of that matters and you are in bed sobbing listening to The Cure and thinking about your dead best friend and how you are an overall terrible human being
orangebaccarat asked: What's the difference between dating a "great old one" and dating the middle-aged dude at the goth club who says he can teach you chaos magic?
One is actually an Elder God from the cosmos that is asleep and waiting to destroy the world and the other is just a dude who wants to be Anton LaVey?
I would go for the Elder God and the sweet release of death over the alternative, probably.
But that’s probably just because the first option would be that much more difficult/literally impossible to accomplish and curiosity is a thing that may actually kill me.
Date an Old One. Date a being that exists outside of time and space. Someone who only exists in this dimension in fleeting, surreal, magical moments. The absence could kill you, but it’s worth it for those short moments.
Annnnd following
Because we all know how I feel about the Great Old Ones
As I get older, and the years pass without having a healthy relationship, I realize more and more that I am the one in the group that is perpetually single. I am the one we never think we will ever be. I’m the single friend that doesn’t actually ever ‘find someone.’ I will always be the single friend. I will never 'find someone’ to be with.
It’s a bit lonely sometimes, but I think I’m basically ok with it.
Mainly because my standards are so high that really, how upset can I even really get about it at this point?
having your libido back in your life after it’s been pretty much dead for a year and wondering if you are ever going to have sex again, because as you’ve gotten older you have gotten even more picky - and you realize one day that your options are pretty nonexistent and all you have is your own damn self and that’s for the most part ok except having another human body around sometimes may be pretty stellar if only for the sexy times
I kind of want to make these my only profile pictures and maybe add another one at the end that is completely out of context, like the leftover rind of an orange. And have my whole bio just be
‘PERVERSIONWORLD
The only tattoo of mine that matters’
or something (I don’t have a tattoo that says perversionworld, though I am thinking about it in all seriousness. Don’t ask. Or you can, I guess. Whatever)
Cambodian artist and graphic designer Visoth Kakvei creates awesomely intricate freehand drawings that are incredible optical illusions. Then he digitally enhances his drawings, turning them into surreal wonders that appear to interact with the real world.
I kind of want to make these my only profile pictures and maybe add another one at the end that is completely out of context, like the leftover rind of an orange. And have my whole bio just be
‘PERVERSIONWORLD
The only tattoo of mine that matters’
or something (I don’t have a tattoo that says perversionworld, though I am thinking about it in all seriousness. Don’t ask. Or you can, I guess. Whatever)
Anonymous asked: We do know each other outside of the tumblrverse. And I'm not sure about the show! It wasn't like a band I know or anything and it wasn't theater but it was something similar.
Hmmmm. Interesting.
Do I get a hint? Because now I’ve narrowed it down to about maybe a dozen or more people, one of them being a gay man, several of them being straight women, and several that I know pretty well that would just tell me if they had a dream like that…
Soooo I’m just not gonna even try right now because I’m lazy
1. We want to fuck and we are getting less picky about it as we get older
2. People are hella lonely and don’t realize that literally most of tinder is made up of mediocre people of all genders and so think they can actually find someone to have a relationship with
It was funny as hell for a week or so but now it fills me with this weird existential dread.
